We revisit the effective theory of long relativistic strings, such as confining flux tubes in QCD.
Motivated by the recent lattice data we resolve an interesting controversy regarding the so-called Polchinski--Strominger interaction. Then we reconsider the worldsheet theory of an infinitely long critical string.Contrary to naive expectations, this theory is non-trivial and provides the simplest example of an integrable theory of quantum gravity. We illustrate this by constructing its exact factorizable $S$-matrix. Despite its simplicity, the theory exhibits many of the salient features expected from more mature quantum gravity models, including the absence of local off-shell observables, a minimal length, a maximum achievable (Hagedorn) temperature, as well as (integrable relatives of) black holes. We argue that considered as a UV complete relativistic 2-dimensional quantum field theory the model exhibits a new type of renormalization group flow behavior, ``asymptotic fragility".